how hard is it to be somewhat quiet when there exists the possibility that anna may be taking her nap?
im at bree's house and anna is sleeping soundly. amidst 2 dogs, 2 grown men, another baby and both bree and i moving about. my house is occupied by mom, jared, jeff and his pals and he decided to play his electric guitar right at the critical period of annas nap...so she cried and fussed from 11 am until 4 pm when she finally just turned off and continues to sleep.
why the hell can't my family get a fucking clue and not slam doors, bang cabinets, take 2am showers and yell up the stairs to one another while anna takes a fucking nap?
im selfish. so what? i NEED my time during the day to collect myself. i run full speed ahead all day and it takes a toll on my sense of peace and it tears the hairs out of my head!
anna turned 1 on the 10th! surving the first year is a big deal.
i start school on monday. inf/tod development and child guidance. fun stuff. hope i pass the courses, its been a while.
visitation is awful. i really can't stand it. it's more like Tristen prison every weekend. i don't care how unfair it is to "deny him access" to our daughter, there ought to be a law that protects the ex-wife from having to become a slave to the abusive ex-husband she was trying to get away from. how unreasonable is it that the courts let us escape? i may as well have stayed married to the fucker at this rate because nothing's changed except that i live in my mom's house, he can't coerce me into having sex after he's been abusive and i don't have to feed the asshole or clean up after him and his friends. thats it. he still gets to bitch and whine and moan that i don't ask his permission to take anna on an out-of-state trip. and he still gets to know every little detail about my life, who i'm talking to or hanging out with, what i'm eating and now he knows i'm enrolled in school (and all the sudden mr. too punk for the school system is going to be attending the same school next week). an attempt to corner me outside of my house.....i think so. if he so much as looks at me on campus ill file an EPO and not bat an eyelash.
also a certain ex boyfriend of mine has been trying to cast me in the role of "the other woman" in his life. including texting me from her cell phone without her knowing and saying things im sure he'd not say in front of her....and you know what? i've been beaten down so bad by tristen that i almost jumped for the chance to feel loved by him again. but this time around i would have to be a secret because all his buddies would riot if they found out that he was cheating on a certain dumb little girl with me-apparently im the ultimate anti-christ of the group. and of course i'd be the homewrecking bad guy...even if i was seduced by he-who-can't-be-contacted-on-her-phone-because-shell-find-out-what-an-ass-he-is first and im only guilty of knowing whereas she is completely clueless. so i decided that im not going to lower my self esteem further by sharing a guy with an idiot. i deserve a whole person and shouldnt have to share with a highschooler in the first place. and its insulting to think that he thinks im obviously desperate enough that anything will do as long as i am loved. i dont think so. im not that primative.
one of my brother's friends just texted me and offered to take me to lunch anywhere i want to go tomorrow. and let me tell you i think that if one of my brother's friends thinks im awesome enough to take out (little brother's tell friends gross embarrassing things about sister's) then im worth more than i thought! im sure ive farted infront of him and god only knows what else. and i still rule.
ehh. im out of steam on this one. i still rule is a good ending.